So I’ve been actively trying to change that ever-so-troublesome tape in my head. I can’t say with any amount of certainty that a new tape is playing and on repeat but I’m working on it.
My inspiration came from being tired of feeling like the hard-done-by, lonely-housewife, martyr type character I’ve been acting out. It seems like it’s been somewhat of an ongoing role since I had Zizi over two years ago. I never wanted to say to the husband “I’m here for YOU!” but somehow I could feel myself conveying to him the whole concept of ‘noble’ self-sacrifice that comes with that statement. So in a sense I’ve been denying my life here – a pretty terrible thing considering I live here, my children live here, my husband lives here. And really my life in every sense is here. It meant that while I was wishing to be somewhere else, I also wished away all my precious time with my girls, every lovely moment of it. I wished away my love for my husband. While that was never my intention, it seemed to be happening all the same.
Looking for inspiration on how to actively change how I was/am feeling, I picked up a wrinkly book that was on the bottom of the pile next to my bed. It had even endured a sudden flood of water from the bathroom once (hence the wrinkle factor). And yes, it’s an Oprah book…”A New Earth”. I’d picked it up several times before but never really read it. So without getting too preachy about it, it has really helped me change that “victim” tape that played. I’m trying to be more present in my daily life and be responsible for my own happiness.
I took a quote from the book and wrote it over my side of the bed: “Knowing the oneness of yourself and the other is true love.” The husband and I are one. I want little more from life than to love him and be loved by him, to wrap our girls in love and be a truly happy family.