I know very little about really being a ‘mother’. I remember when I first went into early labour (sans details) with Zizi and I called the doctor and he said, “Congratulations, you’ll be a mother within 36 hours”. And I thought, “What?! No, I don’t want to be a mother – I just wanted to have a baby.”
There was very little connection between having an alien-like being kick and move around my belly and the baby that finally emerged. And after that, I was just winging it. When I look back, I was reeeeeeally nervous about the baby crying which she did. A lot. And that was probably colic. Maybe identifying it as something other than me doing a bad job would have helped.
Now that Z is a bit older, I don’t have a set strategy with her other than to let her just ‘be’. I try not to set too many restrictions on her (for example, touching dirt here is a big no-no although it was a little bit uncomfortable watching her lay down on the ground and lick it while we were at a restaurant yesterday).
And I guess I kind of let her be early on too…I fed her when she needed to be fed, let her sleep when she wanted to sleep without trying to stick to any particular schedule. I know I already feel differently about this new baby. At least, I identify myself more as a parent and I most definitely know what to expect in those early months. I hope I can let this baby just ‘be’ and even let myself sink into motherhood more deeply in the calmest and most enjoyable ways.